Yes, even Ihave standards.
And over the weekend I came to love that wonderful BLACKLIST feature on my phone, and discovered how much happier a person it could make me. Especially after meeting a guy that was nothing like I thought he was going to be.
We shall call him Mr. Unibrow. Ok, he didn’t really have a unibrow – that would include connection in the middle of the forehead. His eyebrows were just out of control like a beast in a bush and almost connected in the middle.
His picture looked cute online. He looked like a guy who could be your best friend. He was friendly via text, eager to meet (who wasn’t for free sex, though?), and I thought I would give him a chance. It was Saturday night and I resolved to go out since Highway Guy hadn’t called to hang out…which was a shame, but hey–onwards and upwards, right?
So I called Mr. Unibrow to come and join me, just to see what he was like and decide if he was someone I wanted to see a little more of. Well, he met me at a nice bar, and when he came and sat down next to me, even the cute older-man bartender kind of looked at me like….really? Your’e with THIS guy? Unfortunately, for the night, yes…my eyes glazed back at him. I already would rather take that cute bartender home than THIS guy.
I had already ordered a chardonnay when he showed up. He ordered the same and the bartender asked if he should put everything on the same tab. “Yes!” Mr. Unibrow quickly replies.
We talked and finished our wine. It was a little too fancy a place for the kind of night I wanted to have, so the starstruck caveman-browed puppy and I decided to leave.
“Do you want to put this on the card?” The bartender asked.
“Yes!” Mr. Unibrow replied swiftly, once more. Apparently, the dumbass didn’t realize that I had given the bartender my card to open the tab in the first place. I mean, come on, have you never been to a bar before??? The bartender whipped out my card and ran it through the till while Mr. Unibrow was catching up in his mind about what just happened. He had pulled out his wallet and fumbled nervously, watching and realizing what he had just done.
Oh well, it was only $8, I thought to myself. And, I’m not taking THIS dumbass home.
Well, we headed down the road to a sports bar, and had dinner and a pitcher of beer. Which, by the way, I made sure the dumbass paid for. The food was good, the service sucked, and the company was even worse. At one point he got up to use the restroom, and I pondered walking out the front door.
I have a hard time being mean to people, but I certainly wasn’t going to fuck this guy because I felt sorry for him. It’s my body, and therefore my rules. But I wanted OUT. This guy was a major buzzkill, and I had wasted half of the night in his company, when I could have been at a bar down the street, chatting with a sexy stranger instead.
At one point, he sneezed in the middle of his dinner like it had taken him by surprise, and I tried my best not to wretch or laugh. As he was in the restroom, I asked the waitress to please bring the check so I could get out of this awful date. And that was the fastest service I received all night. Apparently she even wondered what the fuck we were doing there. I mean, half of the time we didn’t even talk….we ate our food and I ignored him by watching the sports game on the giant television….and I don’t even like sports.
Well, as we were walking back towards the car, he suggested going into another bar.
“Oh, no, I just adopted a new dog and I’m afraid to leave him home alone too long,” I lied.
He accompanied me to my car, hugged me, and I lied how it was nice to meet him. I got into my car, wanting nothing more than to get right back out, walk down the street, and take 3 shots at the closest watering hole.
But, I thought maybe he would see that if I did, since he was parked in the same lot as me, so I reasoned that I should at least pull around the block. And, as I turned the corner in the lot, there he was in his car…..WATCHING ME. He was probably watching to see if I was going to leave! So, I waved and raced out of there like a bat out of hell, driving down pointless routes and spending more time looking nervously in my rearview than my windshield just to make sure he wasn’t following me.
“I’m home safe” He texted. “It’s so warm here at my house”
Like I WANT to be anywhere warm with you!? UGH!!!!
BLACKLIST. And, all my troubles are suddenly gone. Why haven’t I used this feature before? I wondered. This would certainly be a helpful tool for Mr. Blue Eyes, who still hasn’t left me alone since I dumped him. His last text was actually kind of funny. He’s moved onto being really mad at me. I guess that means he’s reached the next stage of healing.
Well, I ended up turning around after my zigzag driving evasion of Mr. Unibrow. I still wanted to drink and have a good time. To be honest, I’d blown off a couple of guys that night. One was a nice guy, but he seemed like he was going to be just as clingy as Mr. Blue Eyes. The other guy I blew off was a new guy, who I will call The Surfer. And, he looked hot. But he was really anxious to just meet me and fuck, and I’m still looking for a guy who wants more than a one time thing and wants to be a good friend of mine, too. I didn’t see this being the case with The Surfer.
After doing a bit of bar hopping, joining up with a random bachelorette party (good luck lady….let me know how that marriage thing works out for you…) for a while, and then, dismayed at the selection of men in the only bar that didn’t have a long line weaving out of the front door, I decided maybe I would just meet up with The Surfer.
Turns out he lives like a half an hour down the coast….but only a few hundred feet from the beach. He lived in a really dumpy place, but as I found out, comes from a wealthy family. He was smoking hot and was an Army/National Guard reservist. He had to go to drill the next day, so he hadn’t wanted to go out and get too crazy because of that…he excused when I confronted him about not meeting up with me on the town. Oh well, I thought. I was there for sex and the company of a hot guy, so who gives a fuck anymore, anyways.
We spent a few hours talking and watching 90s movies on tv, the both of us drifting in and out of sleep. I was tired. And, it was pretty late. But then we both managed to wake up enough for some hot sex.
And this guy was HUGE. I was a little afraid of it at first. I told him he should be careful with it as he might hurt me. I laughed when he started questioning me about how it compared with other guys I had been with. Like I get out a fucking ruler when I’m about to get it on with dudes!?
This guy was up there, though. Definitely in the top 5.
It fit nicely though, and he commented on that to me, as well. I enjoy sex with pretty much all different kinds of men….except maybe if you have a super big belly like The Ex did or if you have a really small penis. That is hard to enjoy as much. But, I’ll pretty much take a spin and find something I like about any male body type. The Surfer was athletic. Trim, for sure, but not super skinny.
And his dog tags hung down over me and I held them in my teeth while he grinded into me. I could tell he was really getting off on that. Eventually he flipped me over, and had me from behind, my legs closed. This is one of my favorite positions, but you have to be pretty lengthy to stay in all the way in this position. And, I like to surprise my guys by pushing (like I’m humping the bed) while they are in me like that. It fucking drives them mental.
Well, he came eventually. The Surfer is pretty much every guy that I saw in college. Selfish, a little bit dominant, and only concerned about his pleasure. He didn’t eat me out. And he didn’t see me to orgasm. He did have me stay the night, and in the morning we repeated before I hopped in my car and left. He didn’t kiss me either. I planted one on him when I went to leave, and it was awkward – as it should have been. I kind of like that he kept the kissing out of the fucking – because I don’t think it has a place there, anyways. I’ve said before that kissing carries meaning…and doesn’t therefore belong in a meaningless fuck. We just throw it in there sometimes because we feel like we should.
He was hot…and the sex was decent, but I think the best thing about that experience was the drive home. And I don’t mean that in a snarky way – I actually stopped at the beach on the way back. I hadn’t seen this part of the coast before, so I did a little beachcombing there. It’s one of my favorite things to do, and I found quite a few intact shells that I had been searching for at the local beaches, but couldn’t find whole. It seems that a super cold day in March was the best day to go looking for shells. I also saw a lot of wildlife and some whales spraying off the coastline. A rare sight, indeed.
Personal photo 🙂
It was a beautiful morning, I wasn’t hungover, and I’d seen and gotten a few things I’d been searching for. There was no one on the beach and I found something inside me in the solitude and beauty that was there. I thought to myself if this were me, stranded on an island by myself, I’d pretty much be ok with that. I’d probably want my dog so I wasn’t totally alone…and it would suck not having modern conveniences, but I think I could do it. I have no problem amusing myself, and I always feel a peace knowing that God is always with me, no matter how alone I may seem.
I don’t want to be single all of my life. Eventually I want to end all of this madness and be a normal person once again. Maybe all of this is part of my personal healing process…and I know that it’s therapeutic for my self-esteem. Knowing that so many guys are after me makes me feel sexy. And I kind of like the buffet. I like the variety. And, it gives me something to compare to when I am ready to find a dish that I’m ready to eat for the rest of my life.
The Great Sexcapade 
